The Definition of Success I Had Wasn’t Mine

Letting go of external expectations and redefining what success actually means

One of the reasons I stayed in my corporate job for as long as I did was my desire to be seen as successful—by my friends, my family, and by myself. That isn’t easy to admit. But it’s a truth I had to face before I was ready to make a change.

For years, I measured my worth by how good my life appeared on the outside. It took me a long time to realize that the version of success I was chasing wasn’t actually mine. It had been absorbed from movies, books, cultural norms, and subtle messages I’d internalized about what it means to do well in life.

Letting go of that definition meant questioning beliefs I’d carried for years. Eventually, I began to understand that real success isn’t defined by job titles or paychecks. Genuine success is living a life that feels meaningful, satisfying, and worth waking up for.

I knew I’d reached my own definition of success after returning home from a research trip in Paris. By then, I’d left my corporate job and was building my writing career. On the first morning back, I woke up extremely early—my body hadn’t yet adjusted to the time change. When I couldn’t fall back asleep, I didn’t lie there dreading the day ahead or counting the hours until I had to force myself to work. Instead, I got up, made coffee, opened my laptop, and started editing the book I was working on.

I was energized, happy, and eager to get back to work that mattered to me. The difference was night and day.

That morning, I realized something: what I’d previously defined as success—higher pay, promotions, external validation—wasn’t success at all. Those things were feedback. Useful feedback, yes, because they signal that your work is effective. But it’s incomplete because it doesn’t account for whether the work is actually making you happy.

Feedback tells you you’re doing something well. But you can receive plenty of positive reinforcement while building a life that slowly suffocates you—and that’s exactly what I’d been doing for years.

Last week I wrote about the illusion of job security. Once the realization that your job can be gone with little or no warning sinks in, it has a way of shifting your perspective. It makes you question what you’ve been working toward all along, and whether the definition of success you’ve been chasing was ever really yours to begin with.

You can read last weeks article here:

The Job Security Illusion

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Society’s Definition of Success

We live in a society that places enormous weight on career titles and professional identity. Asking someone what they do for a living is often one of the first questions when meeting someone new. Work becomes shorthand for worth, ambition, and your place in the world. Titles, promotions, and income are treated as the primary indicators of whether someone is successful.

From a young age, you’re subtly taught that success follows a predictable path: choose the right career, climb the ladder, and keep earning more. When those boxes are checked, life appears successful from the outside—whether it actually feels that way or not. This mindset becomes so ingrained that it can feel unquestionable, accepted without ever realizing there was another choice.

The problem with this definition of success is that it’s entirely external, overlooking the importance of a person’s quality of life. If your job leaves little time or energy for relationships, rest, or the activities you enjoy, something is missing. When success is measured from the outside, it becomes easy to sacrifice what matters most in the name of productivity or the fear of falling behind.

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Your Definition of Success

So what does success actually mean?

The truth is, it can mean something different to each person. Ambition and financial stability can factor into success—but they are not the whole story. Finding your version of success means expanding the definition to include what genuinely matters in your life.

Sitting at the foundation of my version of success is quality time with family and friends, physical and mental health, and the ability to enjoy my days. In my career, success means feeling engaged and interested in my work, having the freedom to travel, and helping to motivate others. It’s about autonomy over my time and taking genuine pride in the body of work I’m creating.

I no longer wake up to an alarm clock, but instead I wake when my body is ready. My workdays are shaped by a balance of creating, researching, and movement. I’m no longer tied to a desk for eight hours straight. I walk on the treadmill when my creative juices run dry or go for a jog outside when a beautiful day beckons. Some days I work until 5:00; other days I leave early for a hike. And when my parents or my son visit, I take the time off completely and am fully present for their stay—guilt-free.

Your definition might be different. Maybe success means leading a team, building a business, mastering a craft, serving a cause you care about, or having the flexibility to be present for your children. Or it may mean financial independence that allows you to travel, or work that lets you contribute to your community in tangible ways. There is no right or wrong version.

When you decide what success means to you, you gain clarity about what to pursue, what to release, and how you want your days to feel. The power lies in choosing your definition consciously, rather than inheriting society’s by default.

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This is exactly why I wrote You Don’t Have to Stay—for people who know something isn’t right, but haven’t yet defined what success looks like for them. You can learn more about the book here.

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